Chef’s Log 27: The Official Alien’s Guide to Food on Earth

The other day I realized that there is a distinct possibility that a fellow alien might wander into this planet and like me, attempt to sample its food. In which case, they would find themselves lost in a maze of terms and concepts which they know nothing about. Since I now have sufficient knowledge on the subject, I believe I am capable of providing concise, easy to understand definitions for some of the culinary concepts that any outsider might find confusing. With this in mind, and with the hope that it might help someone someday, I have compiled a short list of essential terms with a brief explanation of what they entail. So here is An Alien’s Guide to Food on Earth (First Edition):

Tequila: Evil in a concentrated form

Cabbage: Foul menace that has duped humans into believing that it is edible.

Beef: Rightfully worshipped meat

Jelly/Jello: An incredibly odd and whimsical concept that should be repulsive, but somehow isn’t.

Bacon: The key to lifelong happiness

Celery: Yet another inedible object posing as food

Tea: An incredibly versatile beverage, suitable for any occasion

Red Velvet Pastry/Cupcake: Uplifting poetry in a tangible, edible form

Butter: Milk, once it has attained nirvana

Salt: The essential life-force of all food on Earth

Cheesecake: What every dessert wants to be when it grows up

Ketchup: The life of the party in the food world, capable of livening up the dullest of meals

Chocolate: A form of food so powerful, it could probably get the humans to do its every bidding if it tried

Paneer (a.k.a. Cottage Cheese): Fake meat

Now, I know this last one is not really a food term, but it is something one should be very wary of:

Vegans: Humans with a compulsive need to deprive themselves of happiness

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